Our Daily Life – Honest, Warm, and Sometimes Very Challenging
Having a sister wasn't easy for Sam at first at all.
Suddenly he had to wait. Suddenly he sometimes came second. Especially when I was working and there simply weren't enough adults to constantly perceive and adequately accompany him.
For Sam this meant: less attention, less control, more internal tension.
This went very far at times. It led to violent outbursts against his sister and statements like: "I wish Johanna had never been born."
These are statements that hurt. And yet they say more about overwhelm than real rejection.
Development Takes Time – On Both Sides
With Johanna's increasing age, the relationship between the two has also changed.
The more independent she became, the better she could communicate, the more their relationship grew.
Today there's closeness. There are shared moments. And there's genuine affection.
What hasn't worked – and still doesn't work today (Sam is currently 7, Johanna 4) – is playing together alone.
An adult must always be nearby. Not for control, but for early perception.
Because Sam doesn't draw his boundary quietly. When it becomes too much for him, sudden violent explosions occur.
And his little sister is completely helpless against this.
Right now, Johanna also tends to trigger Sam consciously or unconsciously. Not from malicious intent – but from childish curiosity and lack of understanding.
How We Try to Protect Both Children
Together with the therapists, we've tried to gently introduce Johanna to the topic of "special children."
Through:
- Read-aloud stories
- Conversations
- Simple explanations
She knows today that Sam is different. That he's more quickly overwhelmed. And that he doesn't do things on purpose.
But: Intellectually she's simply not yet advanced enough to really understand or categorize all of this.
That's why we repeat a lot. Again and again.
When it becomes too much, we intervene. And after difficult situations, we calmly discuss with her what happened and how it might be done better next time.
Without blame. Without pressure. But with clarity.
Our Solutions
- No unsupervised play situations
- Clear rules to protect both children
- Early intervention at overwhelm
- Age-appropriate explanations for the sister
- Repeated conversations instead of one-time "education"
- Close collaboration with therapists
- Acceptance that development progresses at different speeds
What the Science Says (Brief & Understandable)
Siblings of autistic children often face special challenges.
Studies show:
- Increased emotional burden
- Role conflicts
- Simultaneous closeness and overwhelm
At the same time, siblings often benefit long-term from:
- High empathy capacity
- Social sensitivity
- Differentiated perception
What's crucial is that all children are protected and that they're not expected to regulate situations alone that overwhelm them.
Selected Sources:
DSM-5-TR: Autism Spectrum Disorder
American Academy of Pediatrics: Siblings of Children with ASD
Hastings (2003)
Macks & Reeve (2007)
What We've Learned
Sibling relationships in the autism context are often complex. And rarely "simple."
They need: Time. Guidance. And above all protection – for everyone involved.
Closeness may grow. But safety always has priority.