The First Years – Lots of Contact, Little Structure
Initially we met with many parents and their children. Mainly my wife, since I was usually working. So there were always other children around – and Sam got along with them well at first.
It worked especially well when everything went according to his rules.
What we didn't know yet: You have to prepare such situations. You have to prepare, explain, structure.
That was missing.
Sudden announcements like "We're leaving now" or meal breaks without advance notice were basically doomed to fail from the start.
Looking back, we have to say: We parents were a significant part of the problem in many escalations.
Unfortunately, some friends were also lost along the way.
Learning Through Experience – And Through Diagnosis
Over time we learned: When we announce things in advance, explain routines, and prepare transitions, social interaction works significantly better.
After the diagnosis, it became noticeably easier.
Not because Sam changed – but because we understood him better.
On vacation, for example (in Holland on the coast), Sam often makes contact with other children very quickly. He plays, laughs, is right in the middle and visibly having fun.
But even there: Always coupled with clear rules, manageable situations, and familiar routines.
School, Acceptance, and Reality
At school, everyone knows that Sam is a "special child." This is openly stated and basically accepted.
Whether his classmates meet privately, we don't know exactly. What we do know: Sam has very few friends.
About every two months he's invited by a girl from his class. He also occasionally goes to birthday parties.
Otherwise it's rather quiet.
Sometimes we meet with a boy from daycare days. The two really get along well.
Compared to his sister, however, Sam can't stay alone somewhere else for long – or sometimes not at all.
This isn't a question of wanting, but of capacity.
Being Alone Isn't the Same as Loneliness
What you shouldn't forget: Sam plays a lot alone at home. And he's happy doing it.
He plays with his sister. With us. Or completely by himself.
He doesn't constantly need other children to be content.
Few, reliable contacts are more valuable to him than many changing ones.
Our Insights
- Friendships need preparation
- Spontaneity is often overwhelming for Sam
- Clear rules create security
- Fewer contacts, but stable ones
- Parental guidance isn't a disadvantage, but a prerequisite
- Being alone can be a need – not a deficit
What the Science Says (Brief & Understandable)
Studies show that children on the autism spectrum fundamentally have social interest, but often have difficulties with:
- Social subtle cues (facial expressions, tone, implicit rules)
- Spontaneous adaptation to changing situations
- Group interactions without clear structure
Friendships therefore often develop:
- More slowly
- More deliberately
- With stronger support from adults
At the same time, studies prove that many autistic children prefer few but very stable relationships. These relationships are emotionally highly significant for them and contribute significantly to well-being and self-esteem.
Additionally, studies show that withdrawal or solitary play doesn't automatically mean social isolation. For many children on the autism spectrum, being alone is a form of self-regulation and serves to maintain emotional stability.
Selected Sources:
DSM-5-TR: Autism Spectrum Disorder
Bauminger & Kasari (2000)
Orsmond et al. (2004)
American Academy of Pediatrics
What We've Learned
Friendships with autism work differently. But not worse.
They need more preparation. More structure. More reliability.
And they need parents who understand that sometimes less is more.