A Quick Preface
I don't want to offend anyone – especially not family members. What follows is not an accusation, but a report from our perception.
Subjective. Honest. And in retrospect surprisingly instructive.
The Initial Phase – Many Opinions, Little Knowledge
At the beginning we kept hearing:
"What a lively boy!"
"You need to set more boundaries for him."
"You're the adults – don't let him get away with that."
Well-intentioned. Consequential.
And – as we know today – highly counterproductive.
Because the result of this "firm stance" wasn't learning effects, but meltdown after meltdown from Sam.
Back then we didn't know why.
Today we know: Because overwhelm isn't a parenting method.
After the Diagnosis – Now It Got Complicated
When the diagnosis finally came, the tone changed.
Not necessarily for the better.
Suddenly it was:
"Oh yeah, nowadays everyone has ADHD and autism."
"In the old days they were just lively kids."
"The boy just needs to burn off some energy!"
Short version:
The diagnosis explained a lot – but wasn't accepted by everyone.
You notice:
It was… challenging.
The Legendary Family Celebration
One family birthday celebration particularly stuck in my memory. I think it was a milestone birthday – at least for everyone's nerves.
Sam was running wild around a table.
A relative looked stunned.
Jaw dropped.
Head shaking.
This part of the family, by the way, no longer invites us.
Yes, that exists too.
Maybe I should have sought conversation.
Maybe not.
For the sake of family peace I let it go –
and honestly: Sam hasn't lost anything by it.
Grandparents – Between Resistance and Surprise
Especially explaining to grandparents what autism and ADHD actually mean and how to deal with it felt for a long time like talking to walls.
And then came the surprise.
Grandpa sat down.
Read.
Educated himself.
And built a wonderful relationship with Sam.
Grandma also makes great effort and does many things right – though she also carries her own baggage, which doesn't always make everything easy.
Bottom line we can say:
With Grandpa we have a person who can very well care for Sam alone at any time.
That's incredibly valuable. And also not self-evident.
Our Solutions
- Patient education instead of expecting immediate understanding
- Provide materials: books, articles, videos
- Clear boundaries where understanding is lacking
- Protect Sam from situations that overwhelm him
- Appreciate those family members who make the effort
- Accept that not everyone will understand
- Family peace is important – but not at Sam's expense
What the Science Says (Brief & Understandable)
Studies show that family support is crucial for families with autistic children – but often takes time to develop.
Common challenges include:
- Generational differences in understanding neurodevelopmental conditions
- Denial or minimization of diagnosis
- Conflicting parenting advice
Successful family integration often requires:
- Education and information
- Clear communication about needs and boundaries
- Patience and repeated explanation
- Recognition of those who make effort
Selected Sources:
American Academy of Pediatrics – Family Support in Autism
DSM-5-TR – Autism Spectrum Disorder
Nealy et al. (2012): Extended family perceptions
What We've Learned
Not everyone in the family will understand. And that's okay.
What matters is protecting Sam and appreciating those who make the effort.
Sometimes distance is healthier than forced harmony.