Our Daily Life – Honest, Warm, and A Bit Chaotic
The first birthdays were an enormous challenge for Sam. We invited people, celebrated, planned – from our perspective quite "normally." Schedule, guests, noises, expectations: everything was a surprise for Sam.
You can probably imagine the result. Overwhelm, stress, withdrawal – and in the end a birthday that wasn't really nice for anyone.
For the subsequent birthdays, we asked Sam who he'd like to invite. The selected guests were there – but it turned out later that Sam hadn't invited them to celebrate with them.
He wanted to show them how he lives, what he likes, what he has. For him, this wasn't a classic birthday, but rather a presentation of his world.
That's why we even celebrated one birthday twice: Once with the guests selected by Sam – and another time with his actual friends.
The decisive turning point came when we began working with Social Stories. These explain what a birthday is, why you celebrate, who's coming, what happens, and when it's over again. Everything clear, condensed, and specially prepared for people on the autism spectrum.
Additionally, we discussed every birthday in advance together. Sam knew exactly what the schedule was, who was coming, what we'd do, and how long the celebration would last.
We deliberately limited the number of guests to four to five children, because anything beyond that becomes too hectic, too loud, and too chaotic for Sam.
Our Solutions
- Announce birthdays well in advance and discuss together
- Use Social Stories to explain the occasion
- Clear, previously known schedules
- Limited guest count (4-5 children)
- No surprises during the celebration
- Acceptance that Sam's understanding of "celebrating" is different
- Adapt the celebration to Sam – not to social expectations
What the Science Says (Brief & Understandable)
Autistic children often have difficulties with social occasions, as these contain many unpredictable elements: people, noises, expectations, social rules, and changing situations.
Studies show that Social Stories can help make social events understandable and reduce anxiety by clearly explaining routines, roles, and meanings.
A limited group size reduces sensory overload and significantly facilitates social interaction. Fewer stimuli mean more room to maneuver.
Pre-discussions increase predictability and give the child the opportunity to mentally prepare for the event and develop strategies.
Selected Sources:
Gray (1998): Social Stories and Comic Strip Conversations
DSM-5-TR – Autism Spectrum Disorder
American Academy of Pediatrics – Social Challenges in Autism
Hume et al. (2014)
What We've Learned
A birthday isn't a mandatory program. It's not proof of social competence.
For Sam it's a special day – but only when he understands and can manage it.
When we let go of expectations, space emerges for genuine, appropriate joy.