Two Worlds, One Goal
My wife is a full-blooded educator. Academic knowledge about child development and education.
I'm an ICU nurse. Confident, but inexperienced in pedagogy.
You can probably imagine there were frequent differences in parenting approaches.
But I also learned: You don't always have to be right; you can always learn something.
That's why I fully incorporated my wife's opinions and knowledge – ultimately with success.
In Front of the Kids: Stand Together
Each of you enriches the other. See it that way too.
In front of the kids, it's important that you stand together – even if behind closed doors you disagree.
This gives children security and avoids uncertainty or playing parents against each other.
Yes, You're Allowed to Be Frustrated
Yes, you're allowed to be frustrated with your kids.
In my opinion, this lowers your own stress level and increases your resilience.
It's not shameful to also say: "Today was really exhausting."
On the contrary – it's relieving and honest.
When Couple Time Becomes Rare
Especially in our situation, where Sam can essentially only be safely cared for by one grandparent and either one or the other of us is working, things like dates are a huge challenge.
We've had weeks or days where we maybe saw each other for 20 minutes a day without kids.
Take time to deliberately hug each other. Show that you're there.
Since I've been better understanding how Sam works and getting along with him much better, couple time is coming back.
It won't be perfect. But it becomes more manageable.
How We Make Time as a Couple
We try in the evenings, when the kids are in bed, to limit talking about the kids to a maximum of 5 minutes.
After that comes us. Our topics. Our thoughts. Not as parents, but as a couple.
On free weekends, we watch a movie together.
When we're out with the kids, we enjoy it when they're playing in the woods or just running around on the playground.
Then we have time to sit next to each other, talk – or just breathe together.
What the Science Says
Parents of children on the autism spectrum often experience increased relationship stress, particularly through:
- different coping strategies
- little shared time
- different parenting approaches
- chronic stress from caregiving demands
Studies show that mutual appreciation, open communication, and shared responsibility are crucial for relationship stability.
Couples who see themselves as a team and view their different competencies as enrichment have significantly higher relationship satisfaction.
Small gestures of connection – like brief hugs or conscious moments together – can demonstrably reduce stress and strengthen emotional bonding.
Sources (Selection):
Hartley et al. (2010)
Brobst et al. (2009)
Kersh et al. (2006)
Harper et al. (2013)
What We've Learned
Solidarity doesn't come from perfection, but from honesty.
From accepting differences. And from the willingness to support each other – even when you're at the end of your rope yourself.