Parent Guilt

When you want to do better – but can't

The Difficult Early Years

Sam's toddler years were not easy for me as a father.

I've mentioned it elsewhere: Sam sometimes cried for up to three hours straight, woke up at least every two hours at night, and during the day was often impossible to calm.

And I didn't know why.

This not knowing repeatedly put me in situations that led to confrontations. To raised voices. And unfortunately, to words I'm not proud of today.

I wanted things to work. I wanted him to "cooperate." I wanted him to understand.

I was the adult, after all.

But that was exactly the problem: I had no solutions, only expectations.

The Internal Conflict

At the end of such days, I kept telling myself: This isn't who I want to be.

And at the same time, I didn't know how to do it differently.

When my wife suggested getting Sam evaluated, my first reaction was rejection.

I thought it was "totally wrong."

In my mind, it meant:

I was afraid something would be "forced" on him.

The Real Turning Point

Looking back, I have to say clearly: That diagnosis was the game changer.

Not for Sam – but for me.

Suddenly the behavior had a framework. An explanation. A context.

I could specifically engage with the topic, educate myself, and adjust my own behavior.

No longer from gut instinct, but with understanding.

When Understanding Replaces Guilt

With knowledge came change. With change came relief.

The situation at home became calmer. More structured. More predictable.

And with it, something disappeared that had accompanied me for a long time: guilt.

Not because I became perfect. But because I understood why things escalate – and how to prevent them.

"I was mean today" eventually stopped being a daily theme.

Not because there are no more difficult days, but because there are options for action.

Guilt often arises where knowledge is lacking. Understanding doesn't create perfection – but it creates a new way of dealing with things.

What the Science Says

Parents of children on the autism spectrum report significantly more often of:

Studies show these feelings don't arise from lack of parental competence, but from:

Research also proves that early diagnosis and psychoeducational support for parents not only helps the child, but significantly increases parental self-efficacy.

With growing understanding, guilt decreases while empathy, regulation, and relationship quality increase.

Sources (Selection):
Hastings & Brown (2002)
Karst & Van Hecke (2012)
DSM-5-TR: Autism Spectrum Disorder
American Psychological Association

What We've Learned

Guilt is a sign of responsibility. But it's not a good guide.

Knowledge, structure, and understanding don't replace perfect parenting – but they create a better foundation.

And sometimes the most important step isn't doing everything right, but understanding why it goes wrong.

If this text helps other parents feel less guilty and more capable, then it has fulfilled its purpose.
📌 Important Note: The information on this page is based on our personal experience and is not medical, therapeutic, or psychological advice. Every family situation is unique. Always consult with qualified mental health professionals, therapists, and counselors for your specific circumstances. We're sharing what works for us, not prescribing what should work for everyone.