Our Daily Life – Honest, Warm, and Sometimes Chaotic
At first, we didn't understand anything.
We often thought: "He's just being stubborn."
We saw the behavior, but didn't understand what was behind it.
Only when Sam's therapists provided us with information materials and individually trained us did we slowly realize what was actually happening – and that there wasn't "the one behavior," but rather very different forms of overwhelm.
The real game-changer came later, though.
We started creating a table:
What signs does Sam show before a meltdown?
Which signs indicate a shutdown instead?
We clearly named these signals, discussed them together,
and established concrete measures:
What do we do when these signals appear?
What do we absolutely avoid?
In parallel, we worked with Sam – using his emotion cards – on how he can communicate early, before it becomes too much.
Additionally, we hung scales throughout the house:
"This is where I am right now."
They help him assess how high his internal stress level is –
even when words fail.
Because what we didn't know before:
Shortly before a meltdown or shutdown, children on the autism spectrum
can lose the ability to speak
and can only communicate nonverbally.
Safe Spaces at Home
We repeatedly offered Sam different safe spaces, for example a spot in the garden or the shower.
But we found: Wherever his younger sister could also go – she was two years old at the time – it didn't work. She couldn't understand yet what safe spaces meant.
That's why Sam got his own safe space in his room under his loft bed: his cushion and a space curtain. It's quiet and structured.
There's also a shelf with his books there, where he can read or browse when things get too much.
What we also noticed: The more we understood the condition and Sam, and the more we kept to targeted agreements and routines with him, the less he needs his safe space – and the better he feels overall.
Our Solutions
- Education and training from therapists
- Distinguishing between meltdown and shutdown
- Systematically observing and naming early warning signs
- Clear agreements: What do we do with which signals?
- Emotion cards to support self-awareness
- Making stress scales visible in daily life
- Creating safe spaces – accessible anytime
- Acceptance instead of correction in moments of escalation
What the Science Says (Brief & Understandable – with Term Explanations)
What is a Meltdown?
A meltdown is an uncontrollable stress response to massive overwhelm of the nervous system. It's not a tantrum and not conscious behavior.
Typical signs: loud screaming or crying, running away or dropping to the ground, physical restlessness or aggression, complete loss of control.
The brain is in survival mode ("fight or flight").
What is a Shutdown?
A shutdown is the opposite of a meltdown – outwardly calm, but inwardly just as overwhelming.
Typical signs: withdrawal, freezing, non-responsiveness, loss of speech, absence.
Here too, the nervous system is overloaded, just with a different response strategy.
Why Speech Can Be Lost
Under high stress, the prefrontal cortex (responsible for speech, planning, and control) is temporarily shut down.
This explains why children can't speak anymore, requests don't register, and discussions are ineffective.
In this state, co-regulation is crucial, not discipline.
Why Early Warning Signs Are So Important
Studies show that recognizing early stress signals and intervening in time significantly reduces the frequency and intensity of meltdowns.
Selected Sources:
DSM-5-TR – Autism Spectrum Disorder
American Academy of Pediatrics – Emotional Regulation in ASD
Porges (2011): Polyvagal Theory
Mazefsky et al. (2013): Emotion regulation in autism
What We've Learned
A meltdown isn't failure. Neither Sam's – nor ours.
It's a sign that things have become too much.
When we seek to understand behavior rather than judge it, real support emerges.